Saturday, April 12, 2008

What's My Tagline?

Holy Crap! I've been Tagged!

Well, if Andi says to blog...then I must bloggeth (that's even in her vernacular!)

You’re feeling: Homicidal. My darling 16-year-old daughter has a boyfriend who seems to care a hell of a lot more for how his penis is feeling than for how his girlfriend is feeling. She's told me that she is not ready for sex, but she is convinced that if she doesn't have sex, she'll lose him. I'm feeling like it's just about time to get a pair of vice grips and make sure that he never wants to make that suggestion to her again.

To your left: An unfortunately empty wall. Usually, I have a quilted wall hanging of an iris there, but my Mommie Dearest is displaying it in the county Quilt Show at this very minute. This item is the one thing I would probably grab if the house ever caught on fire. Well, I might grab my kids, but only because they make such good tax deductions.

On your mind: Geez. I gotta clean my desk. Every time I sit here to type, I realize I should be cleaning instead. I swear, I'm gonna marry Mary Poppins one day so I never have to look at dust bunnies again.

Last meal included: Burger King has this new mega burger called the "Steakhouse Burger" and it's frickin' delish. It's so big that I actually left almost half of it uneaten (and for me, that's saying something). The meat is so good. It's not just your standard flame-broiled fare. It's got crispy edges and then they put these crispy fried onion crispies on top. I swear there was an audible sound of arteries clogging with every bite.

You sometimes find it hard to: Structure my time. Thus, the woeful lack of posts on this blog. I find myself eternally sidetracked during my workday, which means the "workday" turns into the "worknight" and I'm frequently still sitting at this blasted keyboard until after the beasties are in bed just so I can finally meet my quota.

The weather: After having a beautiful week of sun and 70 degree weather, alas, Beth's convertible top has once again been put up and the car is under a cover. Let's just hope it doesn't float away with all this rain.

Something you have a collection of: My collection of Stephen King first editions is extraordinary. Unfortunately, last year when I was suffering from Acute Empty Walletitis, I had to sell my prized book - a limited edition copy of Six Stories. I originally bought it for $125 and sold it on eBay for $600. Now that money is flowing a bit more evenly, I looked to see if I could snag a copy (only 900 copies were made), and sure 'nuff, eBay has three of them, ranging in price from $750 to $1,300. Looks like that little spot on my King bookcase will be staying empty.

A smell that cheers you up: Heather uses this awesome "Aussie Mega" shampoo and conditioner and when she gets her hair good and clean, I could follow her around like a puppy.

A smell that can ruin your mood: Cigarettes. Last year Ohio finally voted in a smoking ban and now I no longer have to hold my breath when entering restaurants, but unfortunately the ban only pertains to enclosed spaces which means all of the smokers are sucking on their cancer sticks just outside the door. Still, baby steps. Soon, all cigarettes will be gone. That's the only good thing that can be said of a Marlboro -- cancer cures smoking.

How long since you last shaved: Umm, can I plead the fifth? I actually took a picture of my overgrown legs to post on my blog, just haven't gotten the guts to do it, yet.

The current state of your hair: I'm about four months into the great "growing out my bangs" project. I'm at that funky stage where my face is just this huge pale mass of nothingness and I look longingly at every pair of scissors I see.

The largest item on your desk/workspace (not computer): Not one, but TWO baskets filled with furbabies. When I first bought this massive desk for my office, I thought I'd take one of Mom's Longaberger (i.e. "expensive") baskets and use it as an inbox. Well, it didn't take long for Harmony and Melody to claim it as their own (frequently together). Now that they are bigger, I've picked up another similar basket and now they each take their own.

Your skill with chopsticks: Fair to middlin. When I was in high school, I dated a guy (I know, can ya believe it?) who was rather worldly. He was born in India, his father owned a bank in Kuwait, he went to school in London...anyway, one day we went to one of those Japanese type of restaurants where they make the food in front of you. It was such a thrill, he decided to introduce me to all sorts of different restaurants. One night before going to an authentic Chinese restaurant, he brought home some chopsticks and taught me how to use them. I remember using sunflower seeds (first in the shell, then just the bitty seeds) to practice. Fun!

Which section do you head for first in a bookstore: I'm a thrill seeker in the library if not in real life. I love the mysteries and thrillers. Ironically, even though I love Stephen King, I am not a horrror fan.

Something you’re craving: Mmm. cookies.

Your general thoughts on the presidential race: The best thing that ever happened to the Democratic Party was having Monkey Boy in the White House fucking up the country for the past 8 years. He's turned many staunch Republicans into Democrats.

Favorite place to go for a quiet moment: That would be "the library" in my house. Also known as the bathroom. I've got more reading material in the bathroom than I do anywhere else.

You’ve always secretly thought you’d be a good: When I was young, I thought I would totally rock as a teacher. I remember playing school as a kid and creating these elaborate lesson plans and making up grade books. Then, I had children and decided that when my own kids were rotten, it took every ounce of restraint not to throttle them. How would I deal with other folks' juvenile delinquents?

Something that freaks you out a little: The onslaught of Guatemalans who have moved into my small town. Ten years ago, there was about a 0.5% population of Guatemalans. Now, it is over 15%. Virtually none of them speak English. None have drivers licenses (but they all drive - without benefit of the knowledge of Ohio's traffic laws, nor the insurance necessary when their ignorance wreaks havoc on the other drivers on the road). They get someone to rent a house and they fill it with 20 people for a 3 bedroom house. I spent most of my life thinking I was not a prejudiced person, but now, I absolutely cannot stand how my lovely town has deteriorated because of these people who make up their own rules and won't abide by ours.

Something you’ve eaten too much of lately: Hershey Kisses. I've got a little stash of 'em in my desk drawer and I let them melt in my mouth while working. So far, my favorite are the "cheesecake" flavor, but the "chocolate covered cherry" flavor are pretty damn tasty, too.

You have never: Tried any illegal drugs. It's hard to believe in this day and age, but it's true. I'm afraid that if I tried something and liked it, I'd be hooked immediately. Let's face it, just based on my eating habits, obviously I don't know how to quit.

You never want to: Put on a bra. I swear the inventor of the brassiere was the same massochocistic man who invented Stilletto heels.

Tuesday, April 8, 2008

Have a Berry Happy Birthday, Heather!

Fifteen years. Can ya believe it? I've actually let my daughter live to see her fifteenth birthday.

And, of course, the very best part about birthdays is that we all get to eat cake. Boy, did I do it up right this time. I knew I didn't have time to run to the store for anything, so I hoped we still had that box of cake mix in the cupboard.

Yepper. Lemon. Yummy.

Drat, no frosting. What is a cake without the coma-inducing sweetness of frosting? Oh wait, I've seen Bundt cakes with just a sprinkling of powdered sugar. That'll work.

Damn. That's gonna be a pretty boring cake. Hopefully Heather won't mind.

Wait a minute...the lightbulb above my head just flickered on and I remembered we had a small bag of frozen berries in the freezer. That'll perk up this boring cake.

Oooh! And let's add a drizzle of...

Hmmm. What can we drizzle on the cake to make the berries stick?


This was not only the prettiest cake I've ever made, it was damn near the best tasting, too. YUM!

Oh, and Heather's hair? That rat's nest is compliments from her ride home from Play Practice in Beth's convertible.

Wednesday, April 2, 2008

Silly Rabbit, Trix Are For Kids!

It's a grand tradition in my household to try to out-trick each other on April first.

This year, I won.

You see, I'm a geek. A nerd. An gadget guru.

I'm also sneaky.

There is this handy little feature that is employed via Microsoft Word called "auto correct" which lets you type an abbreviation and have the entire phrase typed out (for instance, I could set it so it would type "still MT Headed" every time I typed "smth" if I chose).

I recently discovered that these same "auto correct" entries also work in Microsoft Outlook, which is the email program we all use.

So, sneaky little DiAnne decided to change Mom's Outlook entries so that every time she typed the words "the" or "and" or "I" it would spit out a lovely little message from me.

The email on the left is what it SHOULD have looked like. The email on the right is what showed up. She was quite confused, to say the least.

Can you imagine doing this to everyone in your entire office? Mwahhahaha!! I'm evil, I tell ya!